Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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