I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
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I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
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I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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