At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
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All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
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The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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