I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Send help, water and tortillas.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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