hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Randomize