Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
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Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
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But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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