He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you will always have a special place in my vag
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
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Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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