So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
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i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
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We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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