I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
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Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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