Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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