There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize