I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
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Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
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I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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