i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
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It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I would fuck him just for his dog
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
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