So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
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It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
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Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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