Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
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Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
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i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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