Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
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You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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