Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
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Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The air was thick with penises
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I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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