I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
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I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
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We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
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