if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
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She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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