I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
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in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
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Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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