I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
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i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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