Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
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I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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