No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
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I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
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oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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