We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
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THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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