How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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