please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
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then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
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I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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