Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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