so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
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We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
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You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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