So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
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we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
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YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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