I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
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She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
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He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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