she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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