So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize