my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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