Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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