Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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