i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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