I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
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it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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