Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
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ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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