I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
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there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
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I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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