easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
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To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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