u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
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You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
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As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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