I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
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The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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