margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
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He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
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By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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