Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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