So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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