Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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