you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
how does that bad decision feel?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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