My nipple is on Facebook.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
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just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
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I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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