her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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