new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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